Gentlemen, I ask for your kind attention and, if you can see your way clear, your support of me in my hour of need. I am convinced we are a misunderstood gender, recipients of unwarranted criticism for just being ourselves. A case in point is the following tale of the disappearing scone.
We were in Canada for a short vacation (that’s a “holiday,” to my European friends). We had hiked a beautiful, but fairly difficult, trail around Lake Louise up to a “tea house” at a point called Six Glaciers. The following day we decided to take it a little easier and ride the gondola up to the top of Sulphur Mountain. Well, three of us decided to take it easy. My eternally restless brother-in-law decided this would be a good opportunity to run up the 5.5 km (3.4 mi) trail, designated as “strenuous,” which gains 742 m (2,434 feet) in elevation. I am not sure if his primary motivation was the challenge of the trail or the fact that nobody was selling tickets at the top, so he could ride down for free. But I digress.
He was off and running, leaving me with my wife and her sister-in-law. We didn’t want to ride the gondola to the top immediately and then have to wait around for Mr. Energy-To-Burn, so we decided to relax in the Starbuck’s lounge. Imagine, a Starbuck’s in the gondola building in Banff, Alberta, Canada! They are truly every place! Again, I am off the subject. The three of us headed for some coffee time. Ah, but there was a gift shop on the way. I walked up to the Starbuck’s counter ready to order for the three of us, but when I turned to ask what my companions wanted, I was alone. I ordered my coffee and a delicious looking cranberry scone I thought all three of us would enjoy, found a comfortable seat with a nice view of the mountain, and settled in to partake of my mid-morning snack.
I broke off a chunk of the frosting-covered scone, dunked it into my coffee and set it upon my tongue. How does one describe a taste? The buttery cake mingled with the sweet, white icing fairly melted upon my tongue. I cleansed my palate with a slow sip of my coffee, and broke off another bite-size chunk and repeated the process. I took my time, allowing each bite and sip to sit upon my taste buds like foot-sore hikers dissolving into a trailside bench, before slowly disappearing off the back edge of my tongue. I found pleasure in the third of this delectable pastry I had intended for my consumption. I scanned the large area containing the coffee bar, the gift shop and all the public space in between, but could not see the two ladies anywhere.
There was no battle, no silent argument between the good angel and the bad devil on my shoulders, and no hesitation. They obviously were not being drawn to the delectable treats purposefully displayed in the case at the counter to entice coffee drinkers to spend a little more. I acted in the most natural manner. I broke off another delicious piece of the scone, baptized it in the caffeine pool, and continued in my relaxed reverie. Another third disappeared, and still no sign of the two shoppers. I scanned the area once more, to no avail, and then finished every crumb. I was just about to tilt my Styrofoam cup all the way up to coax the last teaspoon of that dark elixir and some coffee-soaked scone crumbs out of the bottom, when who should I see standing next to me?
Looks of contentment; that is what I saw on their faces. They did not display any signs of disappointed people who had missed out on anything important. This is the moment I made the biggest mistake of the day. When will I learn that the wisest words are often those left unspoken? With the simple intent of relating information, and with no intent of gloating, I offered, “Wow, that’s pretty good timing. I just finished off a cup of coffee and a scone.” As one voice they asked incredulously, “What? You didn’t save any for us? Was it one of those with the white icing? We were just looking at those and wishing we had one.” Then I heard that universal accusation, “That is such a man thing to do!”
This, my male friends, is where you come in. Did I do something wrong? Were my actions an indictment of all men or completely natural, normal, reasonable behavior? I urge all of you to rise up in defense of maleness. Now is the time to come to the aid of one of your own.
Scone picture from http://www.eatingoutloud.com/2010/12/starbucks-maple-oat-scone-recipe.html
As a species, we go to the bathroom as a group. If we are going to share that activity, would there be any doubt that we'd share the experience of ordering and eating together? The "maleness" comes in to effect in this: You did not come to a previous agreement that you were going to eat alone while they browsed. Therefore, it was going to be a group activity. As always, the situation can be boiled down to the same problem that's at the root of them all: Communication!
ReplyDeleteRebecca, your comment is somewhat skewed by your femaleness. "As a species" should be, "as a gender," as we males do not conduct group bathroom visits. We do not view the restroom as a social outlet. Therefore, the rest of you argument is Non Sequitur.
ReplyDelete(2nd try to "post a comment")
ReplyDeleteTom, What you should have done was gotten 3, that way, if they didn't want or finish theirs, you would have had even MORE!!!! (but then, that's why you are not as big/large as me :) !!
I will go as far as to agree with Rebecca on the point that the assumption of a shared activity was probably presumed on the part of the fairer sex. But presumption in such a thing should not burden us males who, in an effort to enjoy ourselves, goes off to enjoy a simple pleasure at the coffee shop, just as these two ladies were doing at the gift shop.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I would go one step further: You attempting to save two-thirds of what sounds like a delectable scone should have been hailed as a gallant effort on your part. It was the ladies who should have felt bad for not allowing you to fulfill your plan by slipping off to the gift shop thus missing out on your gracious generosity.
Dear Tom..
ReplyDeleteDo I dare try this again? I just lost my post...well, let me say my esteem for you has soared to new heights now that I know the depths of your capacity to savor the glories of a scone. I'm feeling hopeful that the other men in our family will soon catch on to the blissful reality of savoring every bite. Now as I ponder and contemplate the reality of that moment when Karen and I approached you with craving palates I can recall that your drooping posture of pure joy did tell all. But let me hasten to remind you that your own words revealed a deeper, hidden reality. Remember you testified (with scone dust still lingering in your beard) that you ate the scone with the absolute best cup of Starbucks coffee you've ever tasted. Ha ah! Welcome the universal cosmic principle of complementarity and community! That scone wouldn't have tasted so sublime without the coffee! Now, consider the the ecstasy that would have been yours if you had just waited for the crown of God's creation, Woman (in this case, two of them!) to break bread together with you!!! Meet you on Sulpher Mountain next year! Joannne
Ah, Joanne, as usual, you drill through the outer crust to the heart of the oily deposit of wisdom! I must concede that the communal enjoyment of the scone with two lovely ladies would have been sheer ecstasy. Now that I understand the principle of complementarity and community, I realized I must have robbed the two of you of the same ecstatic experience by not accompanying you as you perused the gift shop.
ReplyDeleteTom... you caved!!!!!
ReplyDelete