The title of this post is the motto of all of us I-mean-well-but-can-never-quite-get-it-together types. Fortunately for me, I have only made public one New Year’s resolution that I can remember. And I am pretty sure it is the only one because I generally eschew New Year’s resolutions all together. I don’t like setting myself up for failure. I have enough feelings of failure in my life already, I don’t need to willingly participate in my own demise.
I ran across this list of the Top-10 Most Popular New Year’s Resolutions of 2014 (which no one achieves!). You could guess all ten if you just took a few minutes to write them down. Go ahead. I’ll wait……. Okay, it is the usual mix of attempts to change character flaws, fix personality disorders, shed addictions, and achieve those impossible dreams. I’m thinking about trying to change these consistent failures into resolutions that might offer some hope of success.
1. Lose Weight. This is not a problem for me. I always need to lose weight, and I do so constantly. It’s the gaining it back part that is a problem for me. So, I may only keep track of the number of pounds lost in 2015, and declare myself successful when I have lost say, 25 pounds, regardless of how many pounds I gain. Or, maybe I’ll keep track of pounds lost and stones gained. In the British system, a stone is 14 pounds. So, I could trick myself into thinking I’m successful by losing 14 pounds and only gaining back 1 stone.
2. Getting Organized. I have always been one of those people who dearly loves to be organized, but never quite achieves it. “Organized chaos” is one of those expressions only people like me understand. It is the completely disorganized people’s way of relieving themselves of any guilt associated with being slobs. By simply declaring the mess to be organized, I have succeeded in my goal to get more organized.
3. Spend Less. Save More. Why would I want to do that? I thought the point of bringing dollars in was to be able to spend them. There is a way of making this goal work in favor of my success. I could think not in terms of money, but in terms of energy. I could resolve to spend less energy and save more energy. The perfect couch potato resolution!
4. Enjoy Life to the Fullest. Yeah, and Miss America is going to achieve world peace. Seriously, how can anybody hope to accomplish the first three while sincerely trying to achieve the fourth? My idea of enjoying life to the fullest involves a whole lot of pizza, money and not cleaning up after myself. I suppose I could resolve to enjoy life to the adequate, though.
5. Staying Fit and Healthy. In my case, this seems to be a conundrum. Every time I attempt to get fit, I injure myself. Oh, I admire people who can flip over giant truck tires, jump rope without doing face plants, and climb over eight-foot walls. But I can’t think of any situation that could possibly arise in my life that would require me to do any of those things. I work hard to avoid those situations. But, if you read carefully, this resolution assumes a state of fitness and health already exists. I believe I can successfully maintain my current state of fitness and health, as long as I don’t try very hard to live life to its fullest.
6. Learn Something Exciting. How many unexciting things do I have to learn before I happen across the exciting one? I mean, can I really know something is going to be exciting before I learn it? No. There, I’ve just learned something exciting.
7. Quit Smoking. I have never smoked cigarettes, cigars, or anything else. Maybe I could quit being so smoking hot. Not much hope of success, though.
8. Help Others in Their Dreams. I already do this. I help lots of mediocre actors achieve wealth and fame by watching a bunch of TV shows and movies. I also provide people who like to adopt these ridiculous resolutions feel successful by lowering the bar for them.
9. Fall in Love. Really? People still think that can make themselves fall in love? This can be a goal toward which a person can work? The expression itself indicates happenstance. You are “falling” people, not climbing the ladder of success. I could set a goal to simply be aware of when I happen to fall in love, but I’m not sure my wife would go along with even that. I’ll have to change this one to just falling. That I can do.
10. Spend More Time with Family. The fact that this has to be a goal in the first place is unsettling. Let’s be honest, we don’t have to make resolutions about things we enjoy doing. We make resolutions because we need to force ourselves to do things we don’t want to do, or stop doing things we know are detrimental to us. If I really enjoy being with family, other things, like “Hang Out in the Sports Bar More Often,” will end up on my New Year’s list. The fact that it is on the list of things nobody ever achieves is just plain sad. Maybe this one should read, Expend More Effort Making My Family a Group of People I and They Will Love Being With. Yeah, that ought to do it.
Reference: http://www.daimanuel.com/2014/12/12/top-10-most-popular-new-years-resolutions-which-no-one-achieves/
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