I’ve never been one to get too
excited about New Year’s Day and the accompanying celebrations. It has always seemed like a very artificial
demarcation to me. If people want to lose weight,
quit smoking, volunteer more or reduce their debt, they can determine to do so
any day of the year. From what I can
gather, only about eight percent of those making resolutions actually keep
them. So, why bother?
Well, I’m breaking with my own
beliefs this year. I am going to make a
resolution. If I were as smart as I think
I am, I would make it as easy to keep as possible. But, for me to make such a break with my own
scruples, I would have to be compelled by something quite important to me, not just something easily fulfilled.
A little background may be
necessary at this point. I have always
been, but only recently discovered that I am an introvert. I’ve been reading a book by Susan Cain, QUIET, the Power of Introverts in a World
that Can’t Stop Talking. She
dispelled my long-held belief that an introvert is a quiet, wallflower,
socially inept person who hates speaking to groups in public. I am none of those. However, I prefer small celebrations to large
ones. I am energized by throwing myself
into a solo project that interests me. I
truly do not want anyone to see any of my projects until I’ve completed them. I would rather express myself in writing than
verbally. I enjoy solitude. I’m not a big risk-taker. I tend to think before I speak. I prefer letting phone calls go to voice mail
rather than answering all of them. All
of those things make me more of an introvert than an extrovert.
Ms. Cain correctly points out, however,
quoting Carl Jung, “There is no such thing as a pure introvert or a pure
extrovert. Such a man would be in the
lunatic asylum.” I can, and often do,
enjoy large parties, though they usually aren’t my first choice. I can, and often enjoy, working on projects
with other people. I am quite capable
and actually enjoy expressing myself verbally, even to groups, without any undo
fear. While solitude is a comfort, I
need and enjoy being with others, just not all the time. I have taken risks, and found them invigorating,
though I have to overcome physical, emotional, and mental obstacles before
engaging in risky behavior. I don’t
always think everything though before opening my mouth. I will answer the phone if I know who is
calling and I’m not otherwise engaged.
What I learned from Ms. Cain is that there are degrees of introversion
and extroversion.
I have an additional factor that
I hesitate to share, but since I know only about a dozen or so Facebook friends
will even read this, I will take the risk.
I have a fragile ego. This has
been a fact my whole life, but I only admitted it to myself when I was well
into my twenties. As a child, I dealt
with this low self-esteem problem by overcompensating. I was loud and rude. I tried to force my friendship on
others. When I did become friends with
someone, I usually clung a little too tightly.
I have traced this insecurity to a specific incident in my life, one I will
not share at this time, which I have never completely overcome.
How does this look to
others? I am afraid many people
misinterpret some of my statements. For
instance, when I tell others I am an introvert, they may not understand the
definition I am using, and assume I would rather not spend any time with them
at all. Others may interpret the fact
that I don’t easily mingle, meeting new people and reconnecting with old ones
as a lack of desire to establish and nurture relationships, or even as an
expression of an attitude of superiority.
The truth is I am afraid of being rejected, so I avoid that scenario
when possible.
Today, January 1, 2014, I
will begin an attempt a change. Not my
basic being. I am and always will be an
introvert. However, I am going to stop
telling people I am one. And I am going
to forcibly push my fears aside and be more of a mingling person and
relationship builder. I could begin any day, but January 1st just seems so right, doesn’t it?
